Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Just a few more days. I hope I'll get some real information from her.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Although there is much less pain, I'm reminded by its unannounced intensity that there's still a large tumor in my breast. I think I'm doing just fine for a little while and then suddenly it will feel like I've just been stabbed with a needle or sharp hot knife. It doesn't last long, just a few seconds. But it's always enough to make me  gasp, and to take my breath away. Frack.

I still haven't gotten used to this new routine of being home so much of the time. I'm catching up on my reading and even reading a manuscript for a friend, a fellow writer. I'm hoping that the muse, my own use, will return soon so that I can continue to work on two books that I had started some time ago. I think it will be difficult to get my head back into that place where it was when I left off on each of them. One is a novel that I had started but with no idea where I was going with it. Not a smart move.

The other was autobiography in the form of fiction. Very revealing. I'm not sure that I ever want to finish that one, lol. I would have to change all of the names to protect all of the guilty parties involved. My own included. And because the events happened so many decades ago, I'll have to fictionalize much because I've forgotten so much and I'll need to fill in the blanks with whatever works.

So, the latest news is that the oncologist called yesterday to postpone my appointment, which would have been today. On Friday, March 30, I'll finally see her and I hope to learn some things then and maybe get this damn show on the road. It just sucks big time to not know any more than that I have cancer. As serious as cancer is, I think I haven't been hit with the full impact of this knowledge, mainly because I don't know how serious it is. How large is the tumor? How quickly will it grow? Is it possible to remove the tumor by itself? I have a dozen other questions at least.

Maybe I'm nuts, maybe I'm really wrong about this but if there's any way to deal with this without surgery, I really want to explore those possibilities. Surgery is not a good idea for me. My body is weak and I'm not sure I would survive it.

Enough for today, right? We are promised a couple of days of warm sunshine. I think I'll take advantage of that by soaking up some rays and working on my tan. Yeah, yeah, I know. Ask me if I care. LOL.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Another Delay

I just got a call from the oncologist's office. They've asked me to postpone my appointment until Friday, the 30th. While I'm not feeling too badly, physically, I do hate the waiting, not knowing. Am I in trouble? Does this need to be dealt with asap? Or can it wait?

I suppose it will have to wait. Still in limbo.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Blogging from my phone

This is just a test to prove two things: that I can send posts from my phone, and that I have far too much time on my hands.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I'm in limbo. Kind of like a twilight zone in an odd way. I don't get to see the oncologist until next Tuesday, the 20th. But I am very aware of this tumor in my body. I mean that both physically, because I can feel it and the pain of it but also spiritually, in an odd sense.

It's hard to describe what this feels like, not knowing what kind of cancer or what stage of cancer I'm at. Yes, I know it's breast cancer. But my research indicates that there are kinds of, and degrees of, and stages of, and I am clueless about my own. I play the waiting game. But impatiently patient.

I'm rather surprised at the amount of pain that's involved with this. It has escalated in the last few weeks and I'm taking more over-the-counter pain medications each day. But I also injured my shoulder and my back on that side. So that's probably compounding the intensity of the pain.

I waited too long. My fault. I should have had a mammogram a couple of years ago when I first got suspicious, but I procrastinated. Denial is more than just a river in Egypt. Stupid joke, yes, I know. Anyway, here I am, making excuses when there are no excuses. I should have had it checked out long time ago. And now, instead of the little dot on an x-ray, I have a large mass. It's grown from just a few cells to a tumor that can be seen and felt on the surface of my skin.

So I float around in limbo. I get a little bit of work done from home but not a lot. Oh, I'm not bored by any means. I do a lot of research and reading and learning. And I'm probably getting more sleep now than I did when I was at the store. That's got to be a good thing, right? But until next Tuesday, I remain ignorant, uninformed might be a better word. In limbo.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

My insurance has approved the next step. So I've made an appointment with an oncologist for the 20th, that's a Tuesday. In the meantime, I'll continue to research and read and learn as much as I can.

I just want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and support, your good thoughts and prayers. Those are the kinds of things that will help me get through this.

While you are here, on the right hand side you'll see a place where you can click to follow this blog so that you will be notified when there are updates. Also, please leave comments here rather than on Facebook. Thanks so much.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

There was hardly any pain before the biopsy. Occasionally I'd feel a little twinge or a slight achiness, right there at the lump, which is easily felt on the surface of the skin. But since the biopsy, there's been a lot more pain. Not just the site of the incision, which is healing nicely now that the stitches are out. But stronger pains a few inches north of there in the armpit. And for some reason the muscles in my back around my shoulder blade. Add to that a shoulder joint that is completely devoid of cartilage, I suppose. I haven't seen an x-ray of it in a great, great many years, but the last time I saw it, it looked like something alien, jagged, and not quite normal.

I don't really know how long it will take for the approval to see the oncologist. I hope it will come in this week and that I can make an appointment for later this week or sometime next week. I'd like to find out more details about how large the tumor is and how much it may have already spread. With a tumor this large I'm anticipating that it has more than likely spread, at least to the lymph nodes.

In the meantime, I'm nervous about using Tylenol all day every day since I know about the adverse effects of acetaminophen on the liver if it's used too much. So, dear, sweet, Bob is at the store right now purchasing ibuprofen and naproxen for me so that I can alternate between them, and only when needed.

Someone on Facebook just suggested spiritual cleansing and Reiki as possible alternatives in treatments. Come to think of it, one of my cousins is a Reiki healer. I think I'll give him a call.

The journey ahead is likely to be difficult. I know I will lean heavily on the love and support of Bob and Sharon and Beth and Lois and Angie and so many others of my family and friends. I have apologized in advance to them for my future whining and complaining about the pain and weakness, and the frustration and anger I will feel. But I know that without them, this will be so much harder.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Five stitches were pulled out today. There's a little bit of bruising, but that's to be expected. An approval request has been sent to my insurance company for me to be able to see an oncologist. If the young woman on the surgeon's staff is to be believed, we should have a response within a few days. In the meantime, Rachel is working the store and did quite well today. She was so excited at closing that she texted the dollar amount to me so that I could share in the good news. I'm hoping business will continue to improve for her as she will be the new owner of the store very soon.

There is so much information on the web about cancer, its causes, how it manifests itself, and the many treatments for it. I'm spending time every day reading and learning as much as I can. I will have decisions to make and I want to be prepared to pursue the best choices for me.

On the other hand, I just spent an hour on PlayStation in the casino playing poker. Two tournaments back to back and I came in second on each. Too bad there isn't any real money involved. I bought a pink T-shirt for my avatar to wear. It says "Save the Tatas." Proceeds from the sales of these caps and T-shirts go toward breast cancer research. I think this is a pretty cool thing that Sony and PlayStation are doing. If you find yourself in the Paradise Springs Casino, look for AuthorLouGrantt in the pink T-shirt at one of the tables, come and say hello.