Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Although there is much less pain, I'm reminded by its unannounced intensity that there's still a large tumor in my breast. I think I'm doing just fine for a little while and then suddenly it will feel like I've just been stabbed with a needle or sharp hot knife. It doesn't last long, just a few seconds. But it's always enough to make me  gasp, and to take my breath away. Frack.

I still haven't gotten used to this new routine of being home so much of the time. I'm catching up on my reading and even reading a manuscript for a friend, a fellow writer. I'm hoping that the muse, my own use, will return soon so that I can continue to work on two books that I had started some time ago. I think it will be difficult to get my head back into that place where it was when I left off on each of them. One is a novel that I had started but with no idea where I was going with it. Not a smart move.

The other was autobiography in the form of fiction. Very revealing. I'm not sure that I ever want to finish that one, lol. I would have to change all of the names to protect all of the guilty parties involved. My own included. And because the events happened so many decades ago, I'll have to fictionalize much because I've forgotten so much and I'll need to fill in the blanks with whatever works.

So, the latest news is that the oncologist called yesterday to postpone my appointment, which would have been today. On Friday, March 30, I'll finally see her and I hope to learn some things then and maybe get this damn show on the road. It just sucks big time to not know any more than that I have cancer. As serious as cancer is, I think I haven't been hit with the full impact of this knowledge, mainly because I don't know how serious it is. How large is the tumor? How quickly will it grow? Is it possible to remove the tumor by itself? I have a dozen other questions at least.

Maybe I'm nuts, maybe I'm really wrong about this but if there's any way to deal with this without surgery, I really want to explore those possibilities. Surgery is not a good idea for me. My body is weak and I'm not sure I would survive it.

Enough for today, right? We are promised a couple of days of warm sunshine. I think I'll take advantage of that by soaking up some rays and working on my tan. Yeah, yeah, I know. Ask me if I care. LOL.


claire@thegrandmalink.com said...

Just try to keep positive & let the sun light heal you! So much is possible if we as humans would just try to visualize. Imagine no tumor, imagine no cancer, imagine a healthly, youthful body, imagine blasting the tumor away with your mind. Non of that can hurt and what if something helps. I only wish you wonderful sunny days full of life & your dreams. Keeping you in my thoughts & sending Reiki healing. Love, Claire

George said...

Hey. You're doing fine. No advantage in worrying. You have much to learn about what you have, and until you get some answeres you won't even know what the next questions will be. You need to bring your oncologist up to date with your *entire* medical picture so she can gauge how you will do in surgery. There may be things that can be done short of a full surgery, and you won't know until you talk to her. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you and hoping for a positive report from the onco. Love, George

Lou said...

Thanks Claire. I used to meditate and do self hypnosis but it's been a very long time since I've done either and it's difficult. But I do keep trying. Do you remember the movie Galaxy Quest? "Never give up, never surrender." :)

Lou said...

Thanks George. Good advice, which I greatly appreciate. I actually have created a fairly complete medical history on myself. I print one out for each doctor rather than rely on my memory. I expect to have a long talk with her when the time comes.