Monday, March 12, 2012

I'm in limbo. Kind of like a twilight zone in an odd way. I don't get to see the oncologist until next Tuesday, the 20th. But I am very aware of this tumor in my body. I mean that both physically, because I can feel it and the pain of it but also spiritually, in an odd sense.

It's hard to describe what this feels like, not knowing what kind of cancer or what stage of cancer I'm at. Yes, I know it's breast cancer. But my research indicates that there are kinds of, and degrees of, and stages of, and I am clueless about my own. I play the waiting game. But impatiently patient.

I'm rather surprised at the amount of pain that's involved with this. It has escalated in the last few weeks and I'm taking more over-the-counter pain medications each day. But I also injured my shoulder and my back on that side. So that's probably compounding the intensity of the pain.

I waited too long. My fault. I should have had a mammogram a couple of years ago when I first got suspicious, but I procrastinated. Denial is more than just a river in Egypt. Stupid joke, yes, I know. Anyway, here I am, making excuses when there are no excuses. I should have had it checked out long time ago. And now, instead of the little dot on an x-ray, I have a large mass. It's grown from just a few cells to a tumor that can be seen and felt on the surface of my skin.

So I float around in limbo. I get a little bit of work done from home but not a lot. Oh, I'm not bored by any means. I do a lot of research and reading and learning. And I'm probably getting more sleep now than I did when I was at the store. That's got to be a good thing, right? But until next Tuesday, I remain ignorant, uninformed might be a better word. In limbo.


Jeff Cohen said...

I'm with you, Lou. The waiting is worse than anything. But the time eventually comes and you get some answers. My experience is that's better, and I'm hoping it will be yours as well.

Lou said...

thanks jeff. I really hate waiting but I have no choice. The knowledge will come soon enough and then I'll make some decisions.